(Pic via LA Weekly)
Now don't get me wrong...I love Lil' Wayne (no homo) just as much as the next guy...actually wait no I don't. I meant to say that as a rapper, I can tolerate Lil' Wayne. I like many of his mixtape cuts and "Got Money" in the club is amazing especially when you're rubbin' up on some drunk chicks (shoot low and score high). But when I heard Lil' Wayne or as I like to call him Shorty Dumb Nuts' "Rock" single "Prom Queen" the other day, I finally thought this guy had raided the Nyquil factory and downed every last bottle. "Prom Queen" is awful beyond comparison and would have even the worst dead Rock artists rolling over in their graves. And worse yet, he's dropping an entire "Rock" album on April 7th...oh the joy.
To celebrate the impending release of Weezy F. Crazy's "Rock" album, I've put together a list of the 10 reasons why Lil' Wayne will never make it as a Rock artist.
10. He can't play guitar
If I remember correctly, my younger sister was strumming better tunes on her Fisher Price guitar at the age of six. I mean honestly...what if you were an ACTUAL guitarist in a...you know...real band...how pissed would you be at this guy? Or maybe the worst part is that Wayne appears to actually think he's good. You know what's good? This:
9. His taste in Rock appears to begin at Kevin Rudolf
I assume Lil' Wayne had some hand in signing Kevin Rudolf to Cash Money Records...I mean he is the head codeine drinker in charge...right? I can't figure out what I enjoy more...nails on a chalkboard or Kevin Rudolf...but I'll let you decide:
Yeah so Kevin Rudolf is the first Rock artist on Cash Money...Lil' Wayne is putting out a "Rock" album...I assume Rudolf is helping Wayne learn how to play guitar really shitty and sing off-key.
8. He doesn't do cocaine...as far as I know
One of my favourite Rock artists is the lead singer from Buckcherry...not because his band makes the best music (although I do dig some of their shit) but because the dude screams Rock artist. You know...drugged up beyond belief. He even made a song where he sang "I love the cocaine/I love the cocaine...":
Lil' Wayne drinks cough syrup and fruit punch...that is not Rock...it never has been and it never will be. In order for it to be a Rock vice, it needs to go up your nose or in your arm. Sorry...those are just the rules. Rock historians will never look back at Lil' Wayne's habit of drinking Dimetapp. Rock vices are supposed to make you trash hotel rooms, sleep with hookers and fight cops...not give interviews like this:
7. He kisses other dudes
Ya'll have already seen the picture a million times so just imagine it in your head...actually fuck it...here ya go:
Sorry Weezy...but there are only two dudes I give passes to for kissing other dudes in Rock music...and those are Elton John and Michael Stipe of R.E.M...only on the grounds that they have made classica music and unlike you, I can actually comprehend what they are talking about in interviews. Rock doesn't need your Baby kissin' antics. But thanks.
6. The producers of "Prom Queen" thought Wayne was joking when he said it would be a single
Peep what the producers of "Prom Queen" told MTV:
""When the track came together the next morning everyone thought it was the sh-- and [Wayne] told us it would be a single," said Correa. "We thought he was joking. We thought he was just saying that to be nice. But a couple of days later we were signing paperwork and it was actually happening."
Check the full interview here.
Hey guys...you aren't the only ones who thought Wayne was joking...say hello to everyone that has listened to the song! I assume they thought he was joking because the song sounds like a very bad high school band dickin' around in their garage in between classes.
5. His "Rock" debut is called the "Rebirth"
Ummm...the title gives me the impression that Wayne thinks he was meant to do Rock music instead of Hip-Hop? If this is the case, please make it stop now. I wouldn't have had as much of an issue with this if Wayne decided to do a Rock track here or there on "Tha Carter 12" or wherever he is at now, but an entire Rock album might have some legit Rock artists gettin' kinda salty at Weezy. I mean I don't know, but if I'm Wayne I don't want a group like GWAR comin' after my ass:
4. Rock fans don't listen to rappers doing Rock music
I mean I don't need to go too deep with this, but if you are a Rock fan...black, white, asian...whatever...you are more likely to jump to Ben Harper, Coldplay, Fleet Foxes, etc. on your iPod rather than scrolling through to find "Prom Queen" or that pretty awful LOUD Rocks compilation from some years back featuring rappers ruining their songs by putting Rock guitars on top of them. The exception to this rule is Mos Def.
3. The refrain of "prom queen, prom queen" blatantly rips off Kurt Cobain's refrain of "rape me."
Here is Shorty Dumb Nuts "Prom Queen"...listen for the part where he screams "PROM QUEEN, PROM QUEEN":
And here is Nirvana's "Rape Me":
Ripping off a legend like Kurt Cobain for your first official foray into Rock music isn't exactly creative or highly recommended. I'm sure legit Rock fans already can't stand Wayne's new direction but if he had any hopes of bringing them into his codeine filled Rock world mimicking a Coban refrain is probably gonna hurt his chances.
2. Lil' Wayne told MTV that some people "are not going to like this" referring to his Rock album
HAHA...the understatement of '09 kids? My question is who IS going to like this? In case you missed Wayne's appearance on Fall Out Boy's new album, it sucked and ruined FOB a little for me...here it is:
1. He's a career Rap artist who is moderately skilled lyrically and has only been decent for a few years.
And there is no better reason than that as to why Wayne will never make it as a Rock artist.