Written by brokencool writer @SlavaP
Who is Azealia Banks? Where did she come from? What is her purpose? How do you properly spell her first name? All of these are questions that I've been actively asking myself for the last 24 hours, hoping to get a better understanding of the next big female rapper to come out this
On the heels of two successful Coachella appearances and a fresh signing with Gaga's manager, the former Miss Bank$ is looking to cement her place as the "it" girl of 2012. And although Azealia knew she was destined for greatness ever since she worked at a New York City Starbucks making Veni-soy-Chais for John Mayer, her true test will come when she releases her '1991' EP later this year. In an arena where her biggest competition doesn't even have a Twitter account (!!) and her second biggest competition looks like a translucent version of a bad Mad TV skit, it seems that Azealia is set to prosper.
Or does it? Ever since Kreayshawn freebased her way into the hip-hop scene, listeners have been mindful of letting another Rap-Diva steal their hearts only to have her threaten to put her dick in our collective faces a year later. So, since I've been watching a lot of Mad Men lately, I've decided to do Azealia Banks a favor and offer her four options to re-brand herself for a new audience before she goes too far.
You're welcome (call me!).
Beef is good, it keeps the twitter world alive and let's people develop complex storylines that most likely never existed. For example, did you know the current tiff between Azealia Banks and Iggy came about because of a sexy pillow-fight that went awry?
Azealia shouldn't just embrace the internet's hate, she should bathe in it. And what better bath partner than the lightning-rod for internet hate also known as Lil' B? Partnering up would not only allow Banks to shine lyrically, it would also grant her a spot at the top of the list for NYU's next lecture.
The only downside of this arrangement would be the fact that Azealia Banks has to get more graphically sexual in her rhymes, which may shift her away from the realm of "marketably bi-sexual" and into the "gay-lienating" zone (hi Raz).
If there's one thing that the kids are crazy about these days, it's Greek mythology. Not only would this name change let Ms. Banks start a successful side-hustle with ankle bracelets, it would allow her to fulfill her (probable) life long dream of touring with a Kraken.
After changing the name of her EP from '1991' to 'Sipped on Mix, Dipped in Styx', Achilles-ia will sell so many copies that she'll be able to buy Greece. For those curious, that's like, 80 thousand albums. The actress in Azealia will prefer this moniker, since every night on tour will allow her to storm a makeshift Troy before being fatally pierced by an arrow from an assassin, played by Missy Elliot.
With this slight name adjustment, A-seal-ia can be the world's first female maritime rhymer. Rapping with new PETA-friendly content about life at the bottom of the ocean and the dangers of boat propellers, Banks is sure to make a splash (get it?!) in hip-hop.
Her circus-themed concerts will attract the attention of hip-hop critics all over, who will be encouraged to live-blog the event from the safety of the show's splash zone. Not to worry, there's still a part for Missy Elliot in this version, as the circus' resident bearded lady.
Unfortunately, A-Seal-ia's success will only last for a season before she has to retreat to her natural ecosystem to molt.
People get mad at artists for selling out all the time, so why not skip the whole freshman campaign and head straight to the commercialization?
Brassiere-ia Banks has a unique opportunity of being the first female MC sign a major distribution contract with Victoria's Secret, becoming a sort of rapping-mannequin for them. Alternatively, you could go with Areolia Banks.
A majority of the people buying albums today are females and our research says that females have breasts, so this makes perfect sense, as it essentially saves them a trip.
As an added bonus, during the opening week anyone who's a 'B' cup or lower gets 15% off!